You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
