dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
