Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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