My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
