you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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