hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
