cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
