My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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