my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
