i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
