Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
