The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
