I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
sarcasm needs its own font
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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