Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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