Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
