either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
