wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
