she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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