why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
