I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
