i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
