i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
