So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
