I need to stop coming to work sober
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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