He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
