i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
