Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
