just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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