I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
