Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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