i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
