I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
