Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
