My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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