i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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