My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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