I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
