Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
