he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
