also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
