What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
