I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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