I looked at my own cervix.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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