My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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