My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
