but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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