I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
try to milk me bitch
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