Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
