at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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