The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
