I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
